Somethings secret

The Way That I'm Wanting You Now

2006-03-19T19:28:00.000-08:00

I tell myself to hold on tight
Any day now it'll be alright
Thought I loved enough for two
But even believing won't make it true

One heart waits
One heart breaks
I swear I've given more than I can take
You're in my arms but out of my hands
I've got someone to hold but not to have
And it hurts so much
To love someone so bad

--"So Bad" by Venice

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Well, I don't really have anything to say, honestly. But I just sort of wanted to update my blog thing. Also, for anyone who had trouble leaving comments, I made it so it allows all comments, so you shouldn't have a problem...supposedly...

Blah... I have the same problems as ever... want a guy... except this time I know a guy that I could probably get if I wanted, without a lot of effort... but I don't really like him that way. He's one of my only guy friends that I'm really comfortable around, and I don't really want to change that.

I'm getting tired of school. Not the people so much, just the whole high school THING. the way people approach work, the slacking, all of it. I'm sick, I suppose, of juvenile behavior, but then I sort of always have been...just now it's getting to me more. Sometimes I can hardly stand the girls that last year I could deal with. They make me crazy. I mean, they're wacky and fun, and i get that, but sometimes it's just... too much, I suppose. I need to go to college, where the mindset is like... totally different.

And I just realized I didn't fill out a financial aid application form for the school I want to go to... so I'm pretty much fucked.

--Justine

The Sound of Lonliness, Makes Me Happier

2006-02-22T20:19:00.000-08:00

"Poison oak, some boyhood bravery
When a telephone was a tin can on a string
And I fell asleep with you still talking to me
You said you weren't afraid to die

In polaroids you were dressed in women's clothes
Were you made ashamed, why'd you lock them in a drawer?
I don't think that I ever loved you more

Then when you turned away
When you slammed the door
When you stole the car
And drove towards Mexico
And you wrote bad checks
Just to fill your arm
I was young enough, I still believed in war"

--"Poison Oak" by Bright Eyes

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Hiya... life is life... I don't feel like talking about things, so read this quiz I took... I took it from...http://laerry.deviantart.com/ check her out if you like HP art. Yays.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
"I had to see Jean-Claude tonight. Joy." Circus of the Damned by Laurel K Hamilton

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.What do you touch?
My Rain Jacket

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
The Simpsons

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
8:00

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
7:58

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
I *think* the American Idol theme...

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
I went outside earlier to go pick up my brother from his bus stop.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Either my messages or my essayish thing that I'm writing.

9. What are you wearing?
Fullmetal alchemist T-shirt, Jeans, my mom's old converse shoes...underwear... a bra...yeah...

10. Did you dream last night?
Probably... but I don't remember it.

11. When did you last laugh?
Earlier.... when I was just chilling with my brother... he makes me laugh all the time.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Posters, pictures, shelves, butterfly wings(the kind you wear) Japanese wall scrolls, three corkboards (one acting as a story board) a fan, and a full metal alchemist calendar...

13. Seen anything weird lately?
Yeah, I was driving back from San Francisco, and I was driving down the I-5. And I saw this weird thing on the horizon, this weird undulating blob, and i was like, wtf?! And my dad thought it was like a swarm of locusts, it was a big group of something at any rate... and then we got closer, and we realized it was like thousands and thousands of birds, moving like a school of fish does in the ocean... it was the coolest/weirdest shit I think I've ever seen...

14. What do you think of this quiz?
It's certainly different...

15. What is the last film you saw?
In a theater, half-an hour of Date Movie... *shudder* All the way through... Brokeback Mountain...At home... X2: X-men United....:D

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
My college education...my mom a new car... non shuffle Ipod... boooooks... oh, house... yeees...

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know:
I'm a straight-edger... meaning I'm nearly militant about my rejection of drugs, alcohol, and coffee....

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I would eliminate religion. No lie. Religion in my mind, is the root of all evil...

19. Do you like to dance?
Hellz yeah... I love to dance... I just don't have anyone to dance with...:(

20. George Bush:
I hate him... largely because of how bipolar he is on education, but mostly because he lies up one side and down the other...

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
Mariel Adelaide

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
Luke (probably hubby's father's name)

23. Would you ever consider living abroad? :
Yes, so long as I come back!

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?:
I don't believe in God...so nothing.

But in the event he does exist..."Hey, you may not have believed in me, but at least you lived your life with honesty, strength, and conviction."

I might post something actually relevant to my life eventually...

so yeah... now to celebrate my mommy's b-day!

--Justine

How do you make God laugh?

2006-02-05T23:04:00.000-08:00

Alone on a train aimless in wonder
An outdated map crumbled in my pocket
But I didn't care where I was going
'Cause they're all different names for the same place.

The coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun
And I knew no words to share with anyone
The boundaries of language I quietly cursed
And all the different names for the same thing

There are different names for the same things
There are different names for the same things...

--"Different Names for the Same Thing" by Death Cab For Cutie

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...Make PLANS.

So... I don't know what to think. I know how I feel. I feel upset, and anxious, and a little accosted(though not on purpose) so I don't know.
See, my cousins came over for gaming this weekend... and because he managed to get in on the game, it means that austin is playing as well. I've gotten more and more bothered by this fact. He doesn't treat me the way he should treat a friend that's a girl. He halfway treats me like a girlfriend, and I am, above all, NOT that. Never. Never ever ever forever never.
But he persists in doing stuff that makes me uncomfortable. I know he's trying to get our characters together, but I'm just NOT interested. And I've made it so my character is blatantly not interested... I mean, sure he can buy her new armor when she actually died protecting him so he could cast the spell and defeat the badguy... but...after that, it becomes weird...
And he hugs me like he's expecting me to kiss him...I know... I know because I automatically go to the left to hug. But he's looking at my face when I hug him, and goes the direction i go... this time it was hideously bad, and I had to pull away... I was REALLY uncomfortable... and i don't know how to tell him that that made me incredibly uncomfortable without upsetting him... and he's such a gorram drama queen... he'd make a huge deal out of it... but I feel like if I don't say anything, I'll make a huge deal out of it. And besides that, I need it to stop.

But yeah, it was a fun game... we got tons done...and I got a horse... a big huge warhorse that I'm spirit bonded to... his name is Artax...:D

--Stini

I'm the Narrator and this is just the prologue

2006-01-30T16:42:00.000-08:00

Sit tight, I'm gonna need you to keep time
C'mon, just snap, snap, snap your fingers for me
Good, good, now we're making some progress
Come on just tap, tap, tap your toes to the beat

And I believe
This may call for a proper introduction, and well
Don't you see?
I'm the narrator, and this is just the prologue

Swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen
Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention
I aim to be your eyes, trophy boys, trophy wives
Swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen
Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention
I aim to be, your eyes, trophy boys, trophy wives

Applause, applause, no, wait, wait
Dear studio audience, I've an announcement to make
It seems the artists these days are not who you think
So we'll pick back up on that on another page

--"The Only Difference Between Martyrdom And Suicide Is Press Coverage" by Panic! at the Disco

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, I should be going to the gym right now, but I'm being kinda lazy. I'm going to go, but... I'm having a bit of trouble getting out the door. I didn't sleep much.

So, I had this big fight/talk with my friends about this story we've been collaborating on since, what, eighth grade? A whole lot of shit about the story came out, and now I'm finally up to date on all the plot lines and junk. They mapped out the plots of like five books without me even knowing about it... geh. But whatever, i am NOT dwelling on it, we're all in the loop, and now i have all these ideas... but nobody's online.

Tyyypical...

So yeah, I'm doing all right. I cleaned my room over the weekend, which is a blessing, because now i feel like I can actually exist in my room. THat was partly why I wasn't really online too, because i hated being in my room, and the main computer is soooo slooow... It's one big virus magnet. My room is clean, and i feel clean, which makes me HAPPY.

I still want a guy. Wendy tried to hook me up with this guy, but he smokes, and i wasn't cool with that. I can't stand smokers. And besides, I have these fucking canker sores, which make me feel anything but sexy. I never thought I would actually enjoy chloraseptic...

And I'm writing again... largely thanks to this weird dream I had where dracula moved in next door, and kept making awkward sexual advances and propositions to me. He was hot, but so like, perverted... I was just like....no... Though dreams are odd, because sometimes you're in this like, weird hyper state of arousal that so far I have just never experienced... not that I have much experience... lol

--Stini

She's Actual Size as she Drives Away

2006-01-16T21:49:00.000-08:00

Big men
Often tremble
As they step aside
I thought I was big once
She changed my mind

She's actual size, but she seems much bigger to me.
I've never known anybody like her, she's actual size
Nationwide, believe

She's got
All the money
Money couldn't buy
She's got something special
That someone left behind

She's actual size, but she seems much bigger to me
Squares may look distant in her rear view mirror but they're actual size
Actual size to her

--"She's Actual Size" by They Might Be Giants

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Read the whole entry, and you might understand why this song....

So I had a very busy, fun, and fulfilling Speech and Debate Competition at Logan High School this weekend. I decided to write a whole entry on how my day went from friday on.

Friday:
Got up at six to go to my chem class, which lasted from 7:30 to 12:00ish. I got home, finished up my college applications, packed, sent my applications, and then around 3 or 4 we finally ended up leaving. My family was going up to help my aunt move, so they drove me up later in the evening than I would have driving up. after around six hours, we got to the hotel my team was staying at, and my family left for my aunts. I went up to my room, and found my interp coach Jacquie and Angela, my roommates for the duration, hanging out.
The boys wanted to go out to eat, since they all had had congress to do. Angela had a stomach ache, and I had already eaten. So I hung with Angela, and we requested cake. After an hour or so of tv, almost drifting off to sleep, and working on pieces/chem, the boys came back, with this hideously wonderful cake. I swear, it was like the layers were seperated with pure butter. Sooo good.
At this point most of the guys had piled into the room, as well as Jacquie, so Angela had her piece raked over and cut down, with much success; mine had a little less cricising time. Then around 1:30 or 2 we went to bed.

Saturday:
Woke up at 8 to get to the school by our first round at about 10. It was raining like crazy. Competed in my first round(the other performers were mostly unmemorable.) Then Jacquie took us and assistant coach/alumni Alan out to In and Out. We came back in time for our second round at 1:15, and then did the third round immediately after that. MY team mates Alex and Garrick went with me and watched. There were one or two TIs that I was sad to not make finals, but that's all right. After that, our team tried to fend off this crazy dude from Alhambra. He had ADHD aaand he was psychotic. Yeeees. Then we waited around for an hour for posting for quarter finals.
When they finally posted quarter finals, I was incredibly pleased to see that I was among the listed names. w00t. I immediately went to the round, with some of my non-advancing team members like Angela and Michael and Jon in tow. I didn't make as good a showing as I really wanted to in that round.
After that we went out to dinner at this cute little diner, and then at 10:30 went back to Logan to check postings. I didn't break to semis. Not that I could say I was really unhappy. Logan is so tough I was incredibly glad to have gotten to quarters.
Then we went back to the hotel, beboped around for a while, and then me and Angela and Jon and Michael sat in our room and talked about "inane things", as my coach Jacquie said.

Sunday:
Woke up much later than on saturday. We didn't know the breakfast at the hotel really was free, so we went and got hamburgers for breakfast at like, 10 am. Then we went back to the tournament and watched Alex's congress round. He really should have asked more questions. It was right around then that I realized that I really kind of liked him.
So after that we all went and watched the humerous interpretation final round. Which turned out to be extremely popular. There were so many people they had to change the room. They were all incredibly funny. The guy that won first totally deserved it, good piece and amazing performance. The guy that should have gotten second did this piece about a woman who's trying to break up with her imaginary boyfriend/husband by getting medicated. But he got third. The guy that got second... did NOT deserve that... his piece went too far, man.
So like, after that, the people that weren't in final round of congress went back to the hotel and watched the first hour and a half of wedding crashers. Then we came back and watched awards. I was really happy with the people who got first and second in TI. They totally deserved it. Yay. During the awards I sat next to Alex, and with all the standing ovations, I was able to get very close to him, lol.
Then we went to dinner. On the way, we got lost, I got frustrated, I drove, and then I somehow managed to lock Jaquies van over the corner of a planter. I sat next to Alex at the chinese place, but I was really nervous about flirting with him, so I didn't really.
Then we went back to the hotel and watched the 40-year-old virgin. Really not as good the second time. I was sitting right next to Alex the whole time, though he was sitting on a chair in between the beds.
After the movie, we watched an episode of CSI:Miami, which incidentally is totally not as good as the original. At this point I was half sitting on his chair, half on the bed. I couldn't really tell how he reacted to it.
I ended up going to sleep early, since i was going to help Jaquie with driving on monday, but apparently, nobody else slept. Except for like, Alex...heh. And he slept on the floor, and people apparently kept stepping on him because they didn't know where exactly he was because he'd covered himself with a blanket...heh.

Monday:
Woken up by Angela at 6:30 as she was coming in. Angela and I packed while Jacquie went to the pool. Turned out it wasn't worth it after all, really cold. So we finished packing, Angela tried to close the door on the lock bar SEVERAL times...and fosters was on...AGAIN.
After that we wandered into the boys room to laugh at them while they were sleeping. Which they were...they were all like passed out on their beds, except for Alex, who was packing. We laughed at them, and then John(the head coach) busted in and was all like "You have five minutes." Which got Jacob out of the room so he could pack. After the boys finished packing, we sat around for an hour or so (five minutes, hah!). We talked about nothing important, I complained about how it smelled like boy, Devin went crazy, we figured out the smell was the pillows and Alex's leftovers from like, days ago, Jacob wandered in and passed out on one of the beds, and we in general did nothing for like two hours.
Then finally we were leaving, and John was portioning up the car, and i really wanted Alex to be in our car, but we got Garrick instead(I thought this was bad because I'd nearly killed Garrick the day before). So i was sort of complaining about garrick a bit to Alex, and he was like, "Garrick's an okay guy," and I said, "Well yeah, but...but I'd rather hang out with you." Except I said the last bit really soft, so he didn't hear it.
I told Angela about it, and then she wouldn't let me leave without trying to get him in the car with us.... with me actually. So we went and petitioned him, but I did most of the talking. I walked over and was like, "Alex, come in our car!" And it seemed like maybe he would go, except Devin was all like, "No dude, you gotta trade Angela for Alex." ANd people were debating, and me and angela kept being like, come on alex... and then Devin said, "Hey man, you're wanted, man," and I said, "You're quite wanted." and then I walked away.
Apparently after that Devin was like, "What? Does she like him?" and Alex was like, "Wait, who likes who what when?" (he's kinda dense... like...yeah.) So eventually I came back, and was trying to get him to go again... and then I just like... got fed up and was like, "look, i like you, and that's why I was trying to get you to switch cars." ANd he looked at me a little anxiously, and was like, "you could sit in the front seat!" and I was like, "I'd like to, but i promised jacquie that I'd help her drive." And then I walked away but i wish I hadn't now, but I don't know, at the time I wasn't about to drop my responsibilities just because of a guy.
So we got in the cars... and we drove... and coach John got lost... as usual... and they were like an hour behind us...so we were trying to get Jacob to be our spy, but he picked that time to be catty, and refused...so Alan got him to believe that this older guy had hit on him, and so Alan had given the guy Jacob's phone number... it was really bad. And Jacob was really pretty pissed when he found out.
So, our car stopped for dinner, and the food took so long that the boys arrived right when we were getting our food. So all of us were together one last time for a little bit. I'd like to say something more happened between us, but nothing really did. I sat there, and became mostly comatose because i was tiiired. And then we left, and I turned around made eye contact with Alex but only really briefly, and then he like, looked down. I made him nervous or something.
(By the way, this whole thing with Alex is just a sidenote really now. I talked to him today, and he just wants to be friends. Now I feel really stupid, because if I hadn't opened my mouth, I might have been able to get to know him better...and maybe he would have said something different...-_- Whatever...it's all good. I don't have to think about it.)
So for the next hour in the car I was mostly drunk-like. Then when we got to Valencia we traded drivers because Jacquie was falling asleep, I almost crashed in the parking lot of starbucks, and then I drove Alan home. Then I drove myself home, and Jacquie took over after that.
I had so much fun on that trip. Like... seriously. That was the best speech trip I've ever had. Emotional drama not withstanding.

Dammit... I need to find a boyfriend...or just a guy...gorrammit...

--Stini

--

I Mean I Really Think You Like Me

2005-12-29T00:21:00.000-08:00

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you..."

--"First day of my Life" by Bright Eyes

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No real reason for this post. I just was farting around, instead of sleeping, which is pretty usual for me, and I decided to post something. Whatever. I simulate my own importance.

Soo... christmas was good. I got a digital camera... which was pretty awesome. But I don't know if a bunch of pictures are going to be put up. It would be important to have some pictures of me in them besides. Aand now I'm working on college apps and essays and junk. I spent half of yesterday and like all of today trying to rewrite this one stupid essay on why I like Grinnell. Part of it was I felt so, I don't know, cliche or stupid or something for saying in my essay that Grinnell felt like home. I mean, even writing it now, it seems like BS, but I was crying on the plane from Des Moines. I was sad to leave, forget sad, I didn't want to leave. I felt like I was already home. So I was having trouble with that till I mentioned how corny it seemed to me to my mom. And she said it didn't sound corny at all... and then the words just flowed. It was soo cool.

And I know some of my friends might read this, and it's not that I don't love being here... it's that I loved being there too. And if I can love where my home is and where I have to be too, isn't that a good thing? Of course, the subzero temperatures could maybe change my mind...lol

And I want a guy. yes, we're back to that old rigamarole. I know it's a bit repetitive... but leave me alone. I so want male attention in that way. I want a boyfriend. I miss John Cris. He's my guy friend, and he's like the only one that will actually give me a hug(or that I want to hug me). I mean... my brother and my dad are nice and all... but they're my brother and my dad. You see my point, of course.

Well, I've somehow wasted about ten minutes rambling on. I thought an amount of verbal diarrhea such as this would take up more space. But no. Oh well. I need to get to bed. I should really stop staying up late. It makes it hard to get up in the morning, and I keep meaning to go to the gym... but stupid serialkillers that fill out my Cal Grant applications keep me asleep. Long story, don't really feel like talking about it.

--ER

Will You Call my Name?

2005-11-28T20:33:00.000-08:00

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

-- "Don't You(Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds

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...Will you walk on by?

Eh, yeah, so it's been a crap load of time since i posted last. A crap load of stuff includes my boyfriend breaking up with me, which I'm not going to talk about...water under the bridge now, and i don't want to talk about it, or it's just going to make me mad.

lol

So yeah, this turkey day weekend was lots of fun. On thanksgiving, I went to my grandma's house. We had pie, and stuffing, and dry turkey.... and lemon merangue pie... god, I make the fucking best pie. Yeyah. And I hung out with my cuzes and passed out in the back room while my cousin, her boyfriend, and my brother played some kind of miniatures game...it seemed like fun, but i was passed out at the time.

Then, when we got home, we saw that the gate was open... and our dogs were fucking gone. We were so freaked out. We went out looking for them, and i didn't get to sleep until 3... the little snots came back the next day... but it was still nerve wracking.

On friday I went over to my grandma's again to do dishes. I was totally wiped out. Like... completely. We watched a bunch of Scrubs that night...yay Scrubs... it's like, the best show.

And then Saturday.... Gosh, Saturday was a long day...I was up nearly 24 hours...crazy. So... after farting around all morning, I got my crap together and drove down to Loscon.

And then the fun mostly began. Me'n wendy hung out and sort of farted around until dinner... right before that though, wendy got the news that her grandmother, who had been in the hospital for a while, had died. that was sad. But yeah, we went to dinner with one of her surrogate uncles, John. He's a really awesome guy, I like him.
After that, we went and played in a LARP, a Live Action Role Play. It was a lot of fun... sort of... I and this other girl, we sort of ended up doing all the searching... which was REALLY annoying because most of our clues were really difficult to find because they were either in the wrong place, or the person who had the clues just vanished...gah. But it was fun.
Then we wandered around, got drinks at one of the parties, and then wandered into the gamesroom to do some more LARP... though it sort of ended up being and LARPK, Live Action Roleplay...Kinda. it was Star Wars, and I got to be Obi Wan! *w00t*
And that's when we started hanging out with this guy (I think his name is Michael) If I'm wrong I feel really bad...because he's.. well, I'll get around to that junk.
So anyway, we roleplayed, and I kind of flirted with Michael... which would have been easier if Obi Wan wasn't a guy, but I got over it...And his character... Senator Organa... well, he kept fricking hurting himself... not to mention falling from really high places and knocking himself out.
Then after a while, we got bored, and me and Wendy were like, i'm bored, lets go dancing... and michael just jumped up and went with us. Which was amusing...
Oh, I don't know if I'd mentioned this (Well, I know I haven't) but Michael is a lot older... like 24 years old, older.... leave me alone, he was cute and dorky!
So we went downstairs... and at first we were sort of disappointed by dancing(one room was EMPTY and the other room was next to empty), so we went to the Teen Lounge... and Michael was kind of flirting with me a bit more... then the Teen Lounge closed, and we went back to the ballroom(the next to empty room) and we were dancing again. And then he started really flirting with me... or we were really flirting with each other...and I swear, it would have gone somewhere... except...
Except that the week caught up with me, and I became completely exhausted...I couldn't dance at all, and if I couldn't dance, then I wanted to sleep. So I sat down, and he... well, he pretty much held me... I almost fell asleep on his shoulder. And I didn't want him to leave... but he and wendy wanted to dance. And I couldn't stop them... so he set me up with a blanket and this funny little Naruto pillow.... and hen I went to sleep... and I woke up an hour or so later... and he wasn't mine anymore.
God, that made me so depressed. I didn't tell wendy, because, you know, she'd lost her grandmother... and i figured that she wanted attention. She always wants attention...dammit, I wanted him. I wanted him I wanted him and I... I didn't... I lost.
So anyway... we went back to the room and watched Deep Blue Sea... and then we went to sleep... and there was this other guy in the room...and he was actually sharing my bed... but he didn't try anything, so I was cool with it. And wendy and michael didn't really do anything... they kinda made out... but that's it.
But i'm still so mad. At wendy... at myself. And i know he was 24, and i was never going to let anything serious happen... but I just wanted attention. And i thought i would get it, and i... I lost it. And it fricking pisses me off. And i keep thinking about what I could have done differently... but it all comes down to the fact that I didn't do any of those things, and it's water under the bridge now.

So yeah, that's my rant.

On an interesting side note, this guy Patrick, who I've always sort of had a crush on, except he;s really short(though not so short now...), he stopped me on the way to the elevators when I was leaving, and he seemed disappointed that i hadn't gone to the dance(the other one, that was empty) I was very dorky and awkward... but it was intriguing...

But yeah, it's monday, and it seems that all my glands have decided to swell up all at once... hopefully I won't have to have my tonsils removed, but I sort of feel like having it done, the snotty buggers. Hurts like a bitch... and my neck is all puffy. But I dont' have a temperature.
Fuck my body. lol

I'm going to go find something to eat that's bad for me. I wonder if we have any pie left...

--Justine

Did you know?

2005-10-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

Remembering, everything about my world and when you came. Wondering if the change
you’d bring means nothing else would be the same.

Did you know what you were doing? Did you know? Did you know how you would move
me? Well, I don’t really think so. But the night came down and swept us away. And the
stars, they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene to date.

How could we know? That song, this show. We'd learn so much about ourselves from
Toledo to Tokyo. The words were scribed on every page and now there’s books up on our shelves.

Did you know how you would move us? Did you know? When the lights first came upon
us and we saw the Everglow. And the moment's magic swept us away. And the young man's dream was almost seen so plain.

When was the night that showed us the sign? Revealed in the sky to leave all behind.
But where to begin? Throwing caution to the wind, we reached for the stars. Everything
was now ours.

Did you know how you would move me? Did you know? Did you know how you would
move me? Well, I don’t even think so. But the moment's magic swept us away. And it’s so close but we’re so far away. It’s so close but we’re so far away.

--"We're So Far Away" by Mae

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That song is just waaay too pretty. I've listened to it way too much.

Soo... I dunno, things are good. I haven't seen my boyfriend since last time I posted, but I'm not really having any mental crises anymore. I think maybe i've settled into being taken....oh, that sounded bad...lol

But yeah... I just wish I got to see him more. cause I really do like him. I really like him a lot. I just want to see him more...because I'm so happy when I'm with him.

uh... my brain ran out of things to say...g'night!

--Justine

Hold My Hand Inside Your Hands

2005-10-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.

Hold my hand inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you say,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

--"Til Kingdom Come" by Coldplay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amir who?

Yesterday my boyfriend, Paul, came over to my house. And he met my parents... and they really like him... and me'n Paul made out for like... two hours, which was really cool. I like making out. I like being with someone. And he smells good. I had a lot of fun, and i'm so glad I could spend time with him this weekend... and now i really want him.

So there's that.

--ER

Just Remember Till We're Home Again

2005-10-09T19:25:00.000-07:00

see the pyramids around the Nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember darling all the while -
you belong to me

see the marketplace in old Angier
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears -
you belong to me

and I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too

--"You Belong to Me" by Jason Wade

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love that song. It's so pretty. It's from the Shrek soundtrack, the first movie... it's a really good song. I thought of using another song... but I think I'll use it later.

I just like this song, because it basically says that wherever you go, remember to come back to me. Remember that you belong to me.

And I dunno... the title of this entry... Just Remember Till We're Home Again...I just realized how connected it is to last night... or how i could connect it with last night.

See, last night I went to Knott's Halloween Haunt. It was totally fun. Went through lots of mazes, and got scared several times, though never scared shitless... it was really fun.
So anyway, about midway through, the group I was with - which was mostly girls and my teacher Mr. T - we met up with a bunch of guys in my class, including the guys that I still sort of like, who are twins, Elan and Amir... and i'm saying their names because otherwise thsi would be confusing. I tried to go out with Elan, but it never really worked. But yesterday, I sort of ended up flirting with Amir. In the mazes I kind of was clingy with him, especially the last maze, which was really freaky.
And then on the bus, he sat next to me, and I fell asleep on his shoulder... But it definitely wasn't an accident. I did it on purpose...but I also got the feeling that his head leaning against mine early on wasn't an accident.
And I kept thinking of near the end of the ride... where his head rested on mine really briefly... and I don't know if he was drowsing... or if it was more than that...
Damn it...why is it that I get this now, this maybe connection, when I already have someone I really like and likes me back? Why is it that when my life is complicated, I always end up doing something to make it even more complicated?

yeah... I'm so angsting...

--Justine

My Fingers Catch the Sparks at the Thought of Touching You

2005-10-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

When we met light was shed
Thoughts free flow you said you’ve got something
Deep inside of you
A wind chime voice sound sway of your hips round rings true
Echo’s deep inside of you
These secret garden beams changed my life so it seems
Fall breeze blows outside I don’t bring stride
My thoughts are warm and they go deep inside of you

Oh yeah
And I never felt alone
Alright alone alone
Till I met you

Friends say I’ve changed
I don’t listen cause I live to be
Deep inside of you
Slide of her dress shouts in darkness
I’m so alive i’m
Deep inside of you

--"Deep Inside of You" by Third Eye Blind

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah, kind of an old song... I forgot how good it was...

So anyway... I have been in a constant state of euphoria since Sunday. You see, I got to see Paul, my boyfriend, after a month of not seeing him. And it was so awesome. I really like spending time with him. He's so cool, and I like him so much.

*sigh* and I keep thinking about Sunday, and then I like, really miss him...I need to see him again. And soon.

Yeah... there's a lot more I could talk about... but I don't feel like it.

I want to go to school at Grinnell College though. Visited this weekend. I loved it there.

It feels like home.

And Paul tastes good...(and I mean his mouth, you sickos)

--Justine

A Glance Makes me Weak

2005-09-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

what makes the one to shake you down?
each touch belongs to each new sound
say now you want to shake me too
move down to me, slip into you

she sinks in her mind as she sheds through her skin
touch like taste like fire
hands to know what i no longer defend
hands to fuel desire
i'll be fine, you'll be fine
this moment seems so long
don't waste now, precious time
we'll dance inside the song

--"Dance Inside" by The All-American Rejects

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mm... a very sexy song, but it has little to do with me, really...

So... interesting weekend. On friday, I went over to my friend's house. And usually on her friday night partyish things, there are a lot of people. But this time there were like, four adults, and me and Wendy and her boyfriend and his friend and her sister's boyfriend. And her brother, but he doesn't count for now as a person... and he spent the whole time in his room, anyway.
So anyway, Wendy was hoping that me and her boyfriend's friend, Mark, would hit it off. I wasn't sure if I wanted that, since I've have Paul, my sort of boyfriend...but I was all right with it.
Well, anyway, Mark barely even looked at me the whole time. He talked to me like once or twice, but only when I talked to him. At the time I thought that he just didn't like me, so I was like, whatever, he's just not interested. But according to Wendy, he might have been interested, he was just waaay to shy to talk to me. Which you know, makes total sense, since i'm SOoo gorgeous...lol And Wendy said that maybe she could arrange a chance for me and him to get together again.

So now I'm kind of confused, and don't know what I want. Because I talked to Paul this weekend, and it seems like he's too busy all the time, and I'm getting kind of impatient. I mean, I don't want to give up on the potential of our relationship, I'm actually really reluctant to do so... but if there's another guy that might be interested that I can actually see more than once... well, hey, that would be cool too. Damn... I really don't want to be confused about a relationship... either it is or it isn't. I hate being in this nebulous, I don't know area. It sucks.

So yeah... that's what I've got to say. I'd talk about Saturday, and visiting my cousins, except there's not much to say. THey have a beautiful little baby. I hope he stays cute and beautiful.

Wishful thinking.

--Justine

You Sweet Conversation that Brings This Sensation

2005-09-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It's just the nearness of you

It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation, oh no
It's just the nearness of you

When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true

I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you

--"Nearness of You" by Norah Jones

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eh, it's been a little bit since I posted, so I figured why the hell not. I have nothing better to do anyway. Like...seriously. See, I'm speaking today at the LA Zoo, along with my coordinator, in favor of keeping the elephants. I guess they've been having some problems, one of them died, and so now PETA is trying to get their two cents in, and the elephants out. So I'm speaking for keeping the elephants. Yay. So anyway, my couselor told me we needed to be here at 4:30, but it turns out we don't, so I'm hanging out in the computer lab. And I'm sort of just now realizing that this elephant thing is a big deal....channel 7 was already there when I got there... ooh, maybe I'm going to be on tv... that would be neat..

So yeah... I'm bored... and I wish this computer had like, IM or something, because I'd really like to talk to Paul. I suppose I could call him... but that would be sensible and unlazy of me. Yeah... we had a very non PG-13 conversation yesterday night... actually... it was very non-R too... hehe...it was fun.(dammit I'm using waaaay too many elipses again)

I really really really want to see Paul. I mean, it's not like the fates are against us going out. Just timing and stuff. But hopefully next weekend is our weekend... if not.... heck, I'll find out where he lives and drive over to his house and hang out with him that way. I'm sure there's some kind of class we both have togehter... psych! Animal Behavior and AP Psych aren't that different... I mean, I'm even going to be taking the AP Psychology test... maybe... I have to decide.

Okay, now I'm just ranting. I'm in such a good mood... but I would be in a better mood if I knew I was going to see Paul, or if I'd already seen him.

Oh, and one more thing...

I never thought the description of a sexual action could have such a strong reaction...

yeah...

--ER

When we can say goodnight and stay together

2005-09-17T00:07:00.000-07:00

Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn’t have to wait so long
And wouldn’t it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know it’s gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we’ve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn’t it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn’t be a single thing we couldn’t do
We could be married
And then we’d be happy

Wouldn’t it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn’t it be nice

--"Wouldn't it Be Nice" by The Beach Boys

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I haven't been able to see Paul again since last time I posted... which really sucks, but we're kind of busy people, I guess. so we're really hoping we can see each other next weekend. And i really want to see him. I miss him. And we didn't end up talking last night, and I miss talking to him. And if I didn't know that he really likes me back, then I would feel silly. But he does like me, so I don't feel silly.

My best friend wendy has a new boyfriend too. She broke up with her old boyfriend of 2 years a few weeks ago, which was good, because she's opened up a lot more now, and she's realized what a bad relationship it was. So now she has this new boyfriend. He's a navy coreman, which means he's a medic. And he's going to be shipped off to Iraq, but not until next year at least, so she has time with him for a while. He's really sweet and cute... and apparently he and I are very similar... which is weird...and it's really funny... because we would both hit on each other's boyfriends if we could....lol... but I want to keep mine, and she wants to keep hers, so...

*giggle* I like Paul. The night before last we had this really... raunchy conversation, and it was sooo much fun. I really wanted to talk to him last night, not for a repeat of the conversation, you know... but because I like talking to him, even if it;s just on IM. And i would have called him, except he said he was going out to dinner with friends of the family, and i didn't want to interrupt dinner, because... well, that would be rude, and stuff. But he probably thought it was a little late to call, and then I wasn't online till like, 11:30, so we didn't get to talk. But it's all right. I'll probably talk to him today.

So um, yeah.... I have school too right now... and I've found it's very cool to be getting all my homework done and stuff. I know that probably sounds kinda silly, but that's how I feel. I mean, last year I was kind of lazy, but it's cool to be on top of things. yess yess...

Well, i've got to go help my grandma find her phone now, so I'll write again later. Cheers!

--Justine

And Kiss You on the Mouth

2005-09-04T23:37:00.000-07:00

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zippedstraight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics int his town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names

--"Brand New Colony" by the Postal Service

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today was a very very good day.

I went to my friend Linda's birthday party today. And I met this guy there, Paul. He was really cute and sweet, and...and he's in a wheelchair, but it wasn't involved for me. He was just this guy that I really liked.

So um... I kissed him. :D

Quite a few times actually....and this is like a major huge deal for me, because I've never kissed a guy before. And afterwards we were holding hands, and being all...lovey... and god, I never thought that just staying still could be so much fun.

And then he called me tonight. And I'm like, yay, he really likes me... I mean, that should have been obvious by the repeated kissing, but...*giggle*

And apparently I'm a good kisser... I do have nice lips.... they're one of my best features... and I said that I was a good kisser because after I kissed him a second time... it was a minute or so before he could talk.... He likes me! and I like him! Yaaaay!

Aaaaand... all my articulateness just went straight out the window. And I'm hyper, and.... and gosh, kissing is fun... I want to kiss him some more............:D

Yay.

--ER

I've Been Dreaming We Were Born Together

2005-08-23T22:28:00.000-07:00

I hear you've got a pocket full of words
That you keep in the garage
Together with the feather and the fireworks
A surftown hero who's got one foot in the garden
Where the neon-lighted cocktail glasses bloom
And they built you a model airplane
Like the one that brought you back to Lindbergh field
Now you're counting your change by the streetlights on India
"Hey, it's me again, I'm faded...could I please come over?"

You can do what you want
In umbilical town
In a waterfront bar

--"Umbilical Town" by Gary Jules

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*sigh* Almost time to go back to school... I'm happy, but at the same time, I'm sad too. See, I'm having-I've had-a really great summer. I met some really nice people and I don't want it to end. But at the same time, I miss the nice people that I already know at school. And I look forward to learning new things, to exploring new avenues...hell, I'm even looking forward to Calculus, and no one should be doing that! I'm going to miss certain things about this summer, but I think I'm okay that it's going. Time works in cycles, and this cycle of summer is ending. And that's just the way things are, even if it makes me a little sad at the same time.

Well, now I don't want to write anything after that, because it was such a pretty little thought process...I feel like i should leave it by itself, to mature and age and grow beautiful in it's own way. And I feel like it's all right to talk about summer as if it's already gone because honestly, to me it feels like it has. Or at the very least, it is 'going quietly into that goodnight.'

Gee, what's with me today? I get a new sketchbook and start working on stories and writing here and suddenly I'm waxing philosophical. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now. Except delete this post... but it's too pretty for me to do that. I'd feel very bad about that if I did.

So... since I'm in such a literary mood, I'm going to see if I can get anywhere with my current writing project. Who knows, maybe I'll get all three parts of it done, and then I'll have a book... or something...

--ER

Music, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory,
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.

Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heaped for the beloved's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.

Poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley

Dare you to Move

2005-08-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

--"Dare you to Move" by Switchfoot

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that brings us to a total of two Switchfoot songs that I've used in this blog. Will it add up to more than that? Who knows...

Yeah, so I was going to post on Wednesday or yesterday or whatever, but I got busy. I went to this candelight vigil on Wednesday for Cindy Sheehan, that woman that's camped outside Bush's vacation home. Well...she's not there now, because she went home because her mom had a stroke... but the meaning is still there, and people are still supporting her... I guess I kinda support her.

I had to decide for myself whether I wanted to do it or not though. Not that mom was giving me the choice, because she's really annoying that way... but I thought it over, and I decided that I would go because Brandon had said that he'd probably go into the military after high school... and i don't want the Iraq thing to be still going on when he goes in...if he goes in. He could still go to CSUN if he wanted. And hey, maybe he could even stay with our family... but now I'm being a little idealistic I think. And besides, I wouldn't even be there, because I'd be in college. In Portland or Iowa or someplace.

Yeah, so speaking of Portland, I had and interview with a Reedie yesterday. The person's name was Sirius Bonner(think about it... SUCH a bad name...) and I was certain it was a guy, but it turned out to be a woman. W/ever. I thought I came across very well... we were actually having some interesting conversation at certain points. *giggle* she thought that Harry was an absolute idiot in OotP too, yay. She was very nice, maybe I'll see her again. I will definitely try and swing it. :D

So yeah, I haven't eaten breakfast yet, so I should go do that. yay pasta!

--ER

This story's old but it goes on and on...

2005-08-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

we sent out the s.o.s. call.
it was a quarter past four in the morning when the storm broke our second anchor line.
four months at sea, four months of calm seas to be pounded in the shallows off the tip of montauk point.
they call them rogues; they travel fast and alone--
one-hundred-foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
what they call love is a risk, 'cause you'll always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own.

a hole in the hull defied the crew's attempts to bail us out.
it flooded the engine and radio and half-buried bow.

your tongue is a rudder.
it steers the whole ship, sends your words past your lips, or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
but the wrong words will strand you, come off-course while you sleep, sweep your boat out to sea or dashed to bits on the reef.

the vessel groans; the ocean pressures its frame.
to the port i see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain.
and i wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts, but the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.

they say that the captain stays fast with the ship through still and storm.
but this ain't the dakota; the water's cold. (so cold.)
won't have to fight for long.

"Play Crack the Sky" by Brand New

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's such a pretty and sad song. I listened to it about eight times while we were up at Dinkey Creek for vacation.

This is where everyone goes, "where the hell is Dinkey Creek?" and it's okay if you don't know. They actually have bumperstickers about that. It's this nice little creek and campground some 50 miles east of Fresno, right near Shaver Lake.

I had a pretty great time there. Got some sun, and swam around a lot, and hiked, and was generally very active. I feel all good about myself. Also, I made a new friend. Met this guy named Brandon, he's a real sweetie. Met him in a funny way, too.
See, we went to this one place that had a sort of deep spot where you could jump from. It was about 10 ft high, maybe. So anyway, I went up there, all ready and raring to go... and i was up there for 15 minutes, heming and hawing and just...not doing it. So then Brandon walks up, and at the time I have no idea who he is, and by just being quietly encouraging, he gets me to jump off with him. Big fun fun. And then he and aidan and I went over to this other one, that was like, 20 feet, and jumped off that. That was really fun too... plus I liked swimming in that pool. Very nice, even if it was very cold.
Yeah... Brandon's cool. I have his e-mail too, so we can keep in touch. Yay.

Well... that's my story, for now.

I have funny stories, but I don't feel like getting into them. Maybe later.

--ER

Life's funny

2005-06-26T00:26:00.000-07:00

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

--"Blackbird" by John Lennon/Paul McCartney

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hmmm... that song was just stuck in my head... but I won't say who got it stuck there...a friend... possibly more than a friend...

My life is so...odd...

It's so odd, I don't even know why I said it was odd. What I don't get, is why I'm so good at everything, but not good at certain things that I *should* be good at... like organization... or not procrastinating...*sigh*

I'm good at art... but I don't want to do that professionally
I'm good at writing... but that will get me no where fast
I'm good at English and i want to teach... but it's an overstaffed profession.
At this point I'm thinking about being a science teacher... which, you know, wouldn't be so bad... but it's not...exactly... what I'm REALLY good at... or what I REALLY love...I mean, I like Quantum Physics, but because it makes my brain hurt, not because I love it.

I fucked up my big toe... bent the nail back. It looks like shit. And it hurt like crazy when I did it... but it's not so bad now. Meh.

I'm tired. I should got to sleep then, huh?

I'm glad my computer has internet now...

--ER

Mirror Images

2005-05-13T13:12:00.000-07:00

True, it may seem like a stretch,
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away
When I am missing you to death

And you
Are out there on your own
for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

-"Great Heights" by The Postal Service

----------------------------------

Geh... it's been a really long time since I posted. I just haven't had the impulse, I guess.

My mom is currently driving me completely crzy. Short trip, I know, but still. She's so illogical and unreasonable....stupid menopause. She gets all mad and upset about the stupidest things, honestly. And she's got no faith in me at all all of a sudden, just because I don't do these little tiny things. I can't believe her. And then there's this whole thing with a concert coinciding with my cousin's marriage(which I don't want to get into because it will just make me upset), and my parents are all paranoid about me driving there. I mean, yeah, it's in longbeach, but... Well, I've been driving for about 8 or 9 months now, and i drive to and from school every day. I should be able to do it. *sigh*

Yeah, so, I'm kinda bored... and still wanting a boyfriend, but yeah, that will sort itself out sometime... and anyway, I'm worried about getting a boyfriend, I mean, cause my brain is already obsessed with sex...so I'm worried that instead of going down, like it's supposed to, it's going to get worse, and I'm going to turn into some nymphomaniac... not like I'm not already...;D

La Di dah... I want to talk more, but I just can't think of anything else to say... meh.

Oh... my birthday's in less than 2 weeks.

Everything Will Be Alright

2005-03-24T21:30:00.000-08:00

I believe in you and me
I'm coming to find you
If it takes me all night
Wrong until you make it right
And I won't forget you
At least I'll try
And run, and run tonight
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright

-"Everything Will Be Alright" by The Killers

~~~~~~~

Well, feeling better than since the last time I posted. I talked to some people, and my mom came back from her trip, so I was able to talk to her. When she's not being psychotic about college or some shit like that, she's really great to talk to. Makes me wish that she could just...chill... but she won't. *sigh*

I've been writing a lot. I have inspiration, for once. I've got stories that I'm working on now for the first time in a long while. Which makes me happy.

Eh, my mind is elsewhere. I'm tired and I'm supposed to be finishing up my essay...but I'm lazy...of course...

ttyl

--Justine

I'm on fire...

2005-03-16T21:12:00.000-08:00

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

- "On Fire" by Switchfoot
-----

...

I'm not actually...I just really love that song. I listened to it over and over again today. The Beautiful Letdown a really excellent CD.

So...back in school... yay. Haven't posted in a while, have I? I'm back at school, and I probably would have posted SOMETHING last weekend, except I was home only to sleep from friday to sunday. This was because of S&D... just a psychotic schedule if you ask me... But you know... good came of it... I'm going to State. Whoo. I like the plaque that I got...I don't know how to spell that word...the plaque is all black and shiny and cool and yeah...

While I was at speech... I dunno... a weird thing happened... I started writing... like really freewriting... and all this shit came out... it was odd.. . I never really do that... and now I feel like I can't show anyone my new notebook...because they could read that and know how insecure I am... well... there are friends that I could be okay with them reading it... but not now... maybe later, when it's not so fresh in my mind.

*Sigh* I could be on fire, actually... the figurative term, of course...I dunno... I'm all confused by my brain and my heart and my hormones... my brain says that I don't need a boyfriend, that that would just be another thing pressing on my time... my heart says that it wants to love, really wants to love... and then my hormones are like, "SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX..." But that's like what hormones do, huh?

I'm too tired and I'm just spewing inane bullshit at this point. Will talk more later...

As Razor Sharp White Teeth Rip Out Our Necks...

2005-03-03T13:37:00.000-08:00

"And then as razor sharp white teeth rip out our necks I saw you there
You put the spike in my heart
Someone call the doctor, someone get me to a church

Where they can pump this venom gaping hole
And if they get me and the sun goes down
And you must keep your soul like a secret in your throat
And if they get me take this spike and
And if they come and get me

You put the spike in my heart
Can you take this spike?"

--"Vamipres Will Never Hunt You" by My Chemical Romance

I really like that band. I've quoted them like three times now in my journal. They're just a really good band. Very angsty, but in an Evanescence/Emo good way. And anyway, that song is really awesome... Vampire song, whee...

...

Someone commented on my last post, but I don't really get what they were talking about... and I'm not sure who they were... W/ever. I think it was my friend, but I can't quite tell...

So um... I went and saw Constantine. And despite the reviews, which I find to have spotty reviews anyway, I thought it was a really cool, really good movie. It had a lot of interesting religious aspects to it, and because of where I stand on religion - not religious but know enough to get by - it was really fun the way that it's interpreted. The Bible in Hell... what a kick ass idea... And Gabriel.... man that dude/dudette/thing was crazy. I suppose, being an angel, it was an it... but I do have a question... did it become one sex or the other when it lost it's wings, or is it still asexual? Interesting thought...

Hmm... I really liked that movie. And Keanu... he did really well, I thought. I mean, he really is an action movie type of dude, and this movie was really good for him. I'm surprised at how well he plays a cynical bastard, but he pulls it off very well as Constantine.
Yeha... I liked this movie lots. I give it like... 4 out of 5.

Ehehehe... State Quals for Individual Events in Speech and Debate are next week. I am nervous...State Quals is like...a big deal... and then it will be state... if I qualify... and i really want to... I have to work on my piece... my OPP... I might post it on DevART, when I'm done competeing with it...Which put it at end of march, at the latest...

*sigh*

I gotta go do other stuff... can't spend all day writing in my "Journal".... though this is a little too public for me to think of it as a journal...

--Justine

Uhm...long time no talk...

2005-02-24T21:32:00.000-08:00

Hallo all. Been a while since i posted... w/ever, no one seems to be really reading it. In which case I can probably say whatever the fuck I want then...

One of my stories, Adelaide is Mine, I've written a few songs for. I think I posted one of them...But yeah, now my brain has come up with another one. but only a little bit...

And no good can come
on any day,
when the two men who love her
both each do say
that Adelaide is Mine

That's all I 've got so far. I really like that story, I just lack the impetuous to finish. Which is sucky, but w/ever... I dunno... I think that it's just that I've got like twenty pages to copy from my notebook, and i hate doing that...well, it's not particularly hard, and I get a lot done... it's just that it's annoying! I mean, I don't really want to write it over again, but there I am, doing it twice...

If I knew anyone at school that would read this... geh, who would...But I still won't say anything...

muahahahah...

I'm done now...

~~~~~

Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Wait, they don't love you like I love you
AAAAAA, just wait,
They don't love you like I love you...

-"Maps" Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2005-02-13T10:19:00.000-08:00

Oh...my god... this is so funny... this is a person's sig on Gaia Online, and it's so frickin' hilarious!!

'ello...

2005-02-05T21:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't really posted in a while...I've been busy, and i've gotten out of the habit. I took an art class and a PE class during break...though my break isn't over yet....

My art class was really fun. I liked my teacher, and all that. She said that I would be something someday....whatever the heck that means....Well, what it means is that there is just another thing that I'm good at, that I might be able to work on if I felt like it.
I'm good at everything. How does a person that's good at everything decide what to do with their life? I mean, seriously. I'm a writer, but I'm really interested in science still, especially epidemiology and virology....and I'm also a good artist, getting better all the time... It's not fair that this has to be so complicated...

W/ever...

I took this fun quiz... lookie who I am! I'm Frodo!

What LoTR Character Are You?

Quizzie

2005-01-14T14:53:00.000-08:00

Your element is Water: Understanding, intelligent,
quiet and calm. You know who you are and no one
can change that. Usually quiet but only because
your listening, don't let anyone think you
haven't got an opinion! Your not quiet because
your shy or sad, your usually quiet because
your thinking. Your answers are well planned
and helpful so people generally seek your
advice. Your the perfect balance between
solitary and outgoing. But sometimes you need a
little time to yourself to sort out your
emotions and figure things out. You understand
the phrase 'sticks and stone' and rarely let
things get to you, whats that important for you
to have to get so upset over? You know what you
want out of life but are simply taking your
time and enjoying things. To you your life is
fine as it is, you can always change things
later if your not happy.

.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

I Should be Sleeping...

2005-01-12T23:55:00.000-08:00

Bwah.

Hello. How was your day? Eh, mine was all right.

I'm taking an art class at Community College. It's all right...well, actually, I really like it. I just didn't like today, because it was boring...well, I just didn't have the concentration...and I like shading little things, not big things. Big things are hard to get the shading right...But yeah, I'm doing really well in that class. We have a field trip thursday...going to LACMA. Fun fun.

I also have a PE class...but I don't really want to go...for one, I'm being kinda lazy about it...and for another...I don't want to go because Amir is there...and Amir is a guy I used to like, and I told him I like him...and he didn't have jackshit to say about it. Every time I see him I oscillate between wanting to beat him into unconsciousness, or wanting him to just freaking say something. I asked him to say something to me(I wrote a note, ya see...) I said, "Say you like me, say you don't, if you don't, but please, don't say nothing." and he said nothing...

What a chickenshit...

Yeah so...I don't really want to go to my class...I could concievably go after my art class, but the atmosphere at night is a lot different than during the day. It's a lot darker in general...people more reserved, dark outside, RAP MUSIC....in the morning they play oldies, and you get these nice old people who talk to each other, and are polite. At night, it's so silent, but...loud at the same time, because of the music...

Geh it's weird.

I've been talking a lot....

"well if you wanted honesty
that's all you had to say
i never want to let you down or have you go
it's better off this way
for all the dirty looks
the photographs your boyfriend took
remember when you broke your foot
from jumping out the 2nd floor

i'm not okay, i'm not okay, i'm not okay
you wear me out..."

peace out.

I'm not sure...

2004-12-31T10:06:00.000-08:00

Meh...Been sort of a long time since I've posted, so I thought I should pick it up again. Yesh yesh.

Well, Christmas was very good, but I talked a lot about it already on my deviantart Journal so if you want to know what I got and all that, you'll have to check there.
The family meeting ended up being an unusually pleasant experience. Both my younger female cousins are in High School now, so they understand when I talk about things. We got along really well...
I sorta feel bad for my brother though. Our youngest cousin just loves Aidan to death...literally sometimes... I mean, he's just a little kid, and he doesn't mean it, but I can't believe how patient Aidan is. He is just nice and takes the shit the kid gives him. I really admire his patience...I'm certainly not that patient...

Heh, speaking of Deviantart, my Devart birthday has come and gone. I should have posted something...but I didn't have time...well, I did, I just didn't have anything to post...yeah.

So...today is the last day of the year...I'm planning to go to my best friend's party...I kinda wish I would just stay home though, but I don't want to just....not go...just because I have no one to kiss, and the last two attempts - lets be honest, the only two attempts - at a relationship resulted in complete and utter failure...well, maybe one did, but...the other hurts more...

Geh, I'm depressing myself...

Lessee, do I have anything more to add to this rant? Oh I'm going to finally be doing a gaming session on sunday. I'm really looking forward to it, because I haven't really been able to play my character...though, I had him come out of being Depressive and go into his manic(normal) period, but I think I'm going to let him stay depressive. I don't feel happy, though maybe I will by sunday...

Meh.

Called to breakfast, much go...

--ER

Testing Me

2004-12-16T16:43:00.000-08:00

OH YEAH!!!!!!!

Finals are over! I'm so very very very happy...and I did really good, on most all of them.

1st - AP Statistics - Fingers crossed for a B, expecting a C
2nd - Genetics - I totally ownzed that test. Don't know what I got, but I ownzed it!!
3rd - US History - Got a B, but have an A in the class!! Happy!
4th - AP English - Essay #1 - 8, Essay #2 - 6 I was the only 8. Yay! those would be like, supercool scores on the AP test
5th - AP Environmental Science(APES) - Take home final. Have to mail it by Tuesday, but W/ever...
6th - Spanish 3 - I got ONE wrong! Hellz yeah!! This, along with all my make up work, shoots me from like a Fail to an A. Or at least a B. She's not that nice, to give me an A....though she does love our class...

So yeah, I had a good day. And I'm looking forward to tommorrow, because we do nothing, and I get to hand out some gifts, and ... they send out Candygrams on Friday. I am nervous, because I sent the guy I'm interested in a Candygram. Daring thing for me to do, but W/ever. My Genetics/APES teacher will die laughing though, because he's been making cracks about me going out with the guy or his twin for the whole year...*sigh*

But I like Amir, so w/ever. Wow, I actually said his name in public. Heh. My friend Hannah knows that I like him, and she wishes she could be there to see his reaction.

Howling

2004-12-14T15:29:00.000-08:00

My brother is in his room singing and playing his guitar. I think he's hurting himself trying to hit the high notes. Mom and Dad keep telling him to just give up on the high notes, and I agree. He's killing any voice he has, just so he can sing Dashboard.

I just had my finals in Spanish and AP English today. English wasn't too bad. I had to write two essays in like 1:30 minutes. I managed to get both of them done, though the end of the second one was a little rushed. The first one though, I did really really good on. Me am proud of myself...yah. Then there was the Spanish Final. I got the best grade in the class...which was a C. isn't that wonderful? SO we're going to end up taking another test, to my unhappiness. Yesh yesh. Stupid Spanish...

This is such a good song:

MAD WORLD
all around me are familiar faces
worn out places
worn out faces
bright and early for the daily races
going no where
going no where
their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression
no expression
hide my head i wanna drown my sorrow
no tomorrow
no tomorrow
and i find i kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take
when people run in circles its a very very
mad world
mad world
children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday
happy birthday
and i feel the way that every child should
sit and listen
sit and listen
went to school and i was very nervous
no one knew me
no one new me
hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
look right through me
look right through me
and i find i kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take
when people run in circles its a very very
mad world
mad world
enlarging your world
mad world

Slipping

2004-12-12T01:46:00.000-08:00

My cat is sitting on my desk while I'm trying to type. What a great nuisance she is. Still, she's MY cat, and I do love her dearly. She's a black and white tuxedo cat, and her name is Rosie.

Five bands everyone should hear:
The Devlins
Black Lab
U2
Green Day
Venice

Yay.

I'm bored. I sort of have a lot to do this weekend, but either way, I don't want to do it. Wow, that made no sense. Yay, I'm tired, because I'm writing this at almost one am, because I am CRAZY. Yesh yesh.

Everyone should eat brownines.

You are you

2004-12-09T22:14:00.000-08:00

She said something secret
A while ago
She told me not to say a word
But that was then
And it's too late for that
now

If she was here now,
She'd tell me to say nothing, not to speak
But she doesn't come around anymore.
SHe isn't around anymore.
She's gone

I should have said something
Said something secret, to someone
Someone who could... do something!
But I didn't.

She said something secret
A while ago
She told me not to say a word
But that was then
And it's too late for that
now

It's my fault.
Crimson blood spills and slips into my hands
And I know that all is lost.
I cry

She said something secret
A while ago
She told me not to say a word
But that was then
And it's too late for that
now

But that was then
And it's too late for that
now

I am me

2004-12-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

No one has read or commented on my blog. But that's okay. I don't mind. ANd anyway, I haven't referenced anyone here yet, so...'s all good...

My class went to the Gene Autry Museum today. We looked at some really beautiful pictures of Yellowstone National Park. God, that place is so fucking beautiful... I wish i could live there.

Eeeehh...my parents are channeling the folkmusic gods today...gah.

I wish I had someone to go with for Winter Ball. But I will be dateless, even though my friend is coming with me. I know someone I'd like to ask, but...I dunno. I don't exactly want to get his hopes up....gah, that sounds mean...well, what i mean is...I'm not sure how he feels, though he sort of was flirting with me today...but I don't know. I'll say something at Winter Ball, at least, if he's going. Last time I'll see anyone from school for a while, so...I'll never get a better chance.

Going now...

Hee hee

2004-12-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

Bweee....I have a blog now. I feel so...conformist... but it's fun, I think, spilling your guts on the web. I'm going to link all my friends to this. I like this much better than Xanga, I think...too many of my brother's friends on Xanga...too much of my brother on xanga.

Bwah. I'm tired. I think I'm coming down with the flu or something...but hopefully I'll help out until...the end of the week. Though I don't really want to be sick over the weekend, but still. Blah.

Going away now...